Being Forgotten
by The Hark-ness monster
Summary: "When Sam told Dean he hadn't seen me since he'd been back from Hell he was lying." Sam and Cas DID spend some time together after Sam was saved, but those moments, no matter how sweet, had to be forgotten. Cas POV. soulless!sam/Cas


**ACTUAL SUMMARY: **soulless Sam fucks Cas against a wall because why the hell not ;D also, angst...sorry.

this is an updated version. POV change. It is now 1st person, Cas POV...10000 times better than previous version! :P

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Being Forgotten

Supernatural

A Sastiel fan fiction

"You alright, Cas?"

Sam's voice viciously jerked me out of my trance. It took me a moment to collect my thoughts. "Yes," I managed to reply with confidence. Even though I was lying.

I'd been caught giving Sam one of my sad, searching stares which I was utterly surprised hadn't been noticed until then. My heart was just so full of conflict when it came to Sam. Sometimes I just had to look at him and evaluate my emotions.

When Sam told Dean he hadn't seen me since he'd been back from Hell he was lying. He just didn't know that he was. And it broke my heart, but it was my own fault. I _had _to erase those memories.

It was almost immediately after I'd brought Sam back. I had been expecting it, that call from Sam. Of course I responded without a second thought.

"I'm here, Sam," I said to the man across the dark room.

Sam jumped to his feet and turned to face me.

"Cas, thank God."

As soon as I laid eyes on the hunter, I wished I had not come. How could I bear to face Sam after he'd been to Hell and back? He was once so beautiful, innocent and experienced all at the same time. I'd come to respect Sam more than I should have. I'd even dare to say I'd come to love him. And before I would leave there, it could be true in every sense of the word.

"I need you to tell me what happened."

Sam approached me quickly, causing my heart to beat at a startling pace. I instinctively took a step back from Sam's commanding presence. He looked slightly hurt by my retreat. I tried to ignore it.

With a heavy sigh, I began to reluctantly explain what happened. "I saved you from Hell, Sam. You were trapped there with Lucifer and Michael." It hurt having to say those words. It made them real. It was a reminder of the horrible, inconceivable suffering the hunter had endured, even if it hadn't been for too long.

Sam seemed confused and strangely calmer than I had expected. Normally when you tell someone you saved them from Hell, they react more strongly.

His eyes fell to the ground between us, trying to make sense of what he'd just been told. "That's…that's right…" Sam said with hesitation as if he remembered everything. He didn't. His face betrayed that he didn't. It was scrunched up in a look of intense concentration and confusion as if he were trying to remember a dream he never had.

Suddenly he looked back up at me with an entirely new expression on his face. This one was soft and sweet. It matched his touch as he gently took me by the shoulder. "You did that for me? Why?" he looked touched but confused as if he knew he was not worth the agonizing trip to hell and could not for the life of him imagine why I would go to such lengths just for him. I felt the same way and struggled to give Sam an answer.

Finally I replied through a ragged sigh, "Because you're my friend, Sam, and I could not stand to see you suffer." My hand came up to cling to Sam's arm. I ran a thumb along the skin of his wrist. Sam looked pleasantly surprised by the contact and silently begged for me to continue. "I went down to Hell prepared to take your place if I had to. And I would have in a heartbeat, but luckily that was not required, and we both escaped alive. For that…you don't know how grateful I am."

This was why I had wanted to avoid Sam after the whole affair. I knew I would not be able to hold back everything I'd ever wanted to tell him. But it was too much. And now, I was practically a puddle in Sam's arms as he drew me closer.

Sam's understanding expression, accented with a warm smile comforted me as our foreheads met. "I think I do know," Sam said seductively, and suddenly, there was something in Sam's eyes that made me uneasy. But I did not back down. Later I would regret not doing so.

My body shook with a strange anticipation as Sam's soft, hazel eyes bore into my own.

"I would do anything for you Sam," I admitted in a weak whisper against Sam's skin. I was unable to hold it in any longer and I knew then what would happen next. I both longed for it and dreaded it. Either way, I let it happen.

Sam kissed me softly on the corner of my lips as he stepped closer. With my unspoken permission, he pressed gentle kisses on my face, lips and neck. Each touch was progressively more forceful and I allowed him to push me slowly backwards, backwards until I hit the wall and was trapped there against Sam's warm presence.

He pressed up against me hard, overwhelming my senses with sweet sensation as his lips pulled at my skin and hips rolled against my own. And as I clung to my hunter, Sam's hands tugged at my clothes, begging to get underneath.

Slowly, I felt a knee slide slowly up the wall between my legs to support my weight as my limbs lost the ability to do so. I hung desperately around Sam's neck while he assaulted me with kisses.

I thought about stopping Sam right then and there before it turned into something beyond my control but I'd already done so much against what I had thought to be the doctrine of heaven. What was one more sin? Especially one that felt so incredibly right. It was then that I surrendered everything and let Sam take me.

Once my coat was removed and tossed to the floor we both worked to unbutton his shirt. Then he went for my tie next, pulling it off in one smooth motion and tossing it aside. Finally, skin met skin and it was glorious as Sam thrust himself against my body. A whimper on a shuttered breath was forced from my lugs as Sam's lips and teeth dug into my shoulder, his massive hands ripping at my sides until finally they went for my belt.

"Sam…" I whined in the heated moment when I felt Sam's hands slide down my bare thighs as my pants were removed. The jean of Sam's pants felt strange between my legs, but I didn't have to worry about it long as Sam quickly did away with his own trousers.

Sam thrust me against the wall even harder now as we began and were made one. The feel of Sam's lips was replaced by the softness of his heavy, heated breath, contrasting the rough pounding between my legs.

He grunted with effort as he thrust himself into me and I emitted an uncontrollable gasp. I felt Sam's fingernails dig into my shoulders as he kept me hard against the wall in a cruel vice-grip.

I felt as if I were drowning in Sam and it was beautiful. The hunter's huge, muscular form fit around me perfectly as he traced my own insignificant hands down Sam's spine, feeling the muscles in his back engage and relax, steadily working, under his sweat-slick skin. I hung, limp and gasping around Sam's neck, grabbing handfuls of Sam's long brown hair and placing rough wet kisses down the side of his neck.

Sam went at me like an animal for the rest of the long, long night. And though I could not say I was not thoroughly enjoying it, it did seem strange how Sam's usual soft tenderness seemed to be replaced by startling ferocity. I even could have sworn I heard Sam growl at least once during the night and pleasure was punctuated by intermittent shocks of brilliant pain. I had to admit, I was slightly relieved when Sam was finally satisfied and collapsed beside me in a sweaty, exhausted heap.

While he slept, I recovered from the glorious abuse I'd just suffered. Bruises and bite marks pocked my skin as reminders of Sam's dominance.

As the aftershocks of pleasure faded from my body and I stopped reliving the best moments of our passion, guilt and regret began to soon take root in my stomach until after a while, I actually felt sick about what I'd just done.

How could I have gotten so carried away? I had no right. Even if Sam had ultimately been the one to take control, I had submitted fully without a second thought and even begged for more. I was utterly disgusted with myself for losing control and letting it go that far.

I reached out a cautious hand to touch the beautiful bare back of the man lying next to me. Running it gently down his skin, still sticky with dried sweat, sent shivers through my entire body. Sam stirred and slowly woke to my feather-like touch.

"Hey, Caz…" he slurred through the remnants of sleep as his eyes fluttered open. "What's wrong?" Sam noticed my troubled expression and worry surfaced on his face.

I sat up and Sam followed me, concern in his eyes.

I sighed on the brink of heartbreak. "I'm sorry I have to do this to you, Sam." I reached my arm out towards Sam's face but he reacted, shockingly quick, with the bare instincts of an animal. He caught my hand with his own.

"Woah, woah, do what, Cas?" he spat.

"I can't let you remember this."

"What? You're not serious?"

I would've said that Sam looked heartbroken at the time but only later would I discover that that was impossible since the poor man was without a soul.

I struggled to explain. It was so hard to accept it myself. "It…wasn't supposed to happen like this…" I breathed.

Sam still had my wrist in his strong, unyielding grip. But I would find a way around that.

And then, Sam's face was a heart-wrenching display of innocence making it even harder for me to do what he knew I had to; "But I don't want to forget." It was a final, desperate plea for mercy.

"I'm sorry."

I sucked in a breath, took Sam's face with my free hand and pressed my lips to his in a desperate, sloppy last kiss. It was over in a heartbeat. I caught Sam in my arms as he fell, limp and unconscious. It was a cruel way to erase someone's memory but it had to be done one way or another.

I laid Sam gently down on the floor and watched him for a moment. I had to force myself to accept that in his head now, Sam was completely oblivious to the sweet passion we had experienced together. Now I was alone. The whole thing meant nothing.

I stood abruptly, gathered my clothes and dressed myself quickly, eager to leave that place behind me. Glancing back once more at the peaceful hunter, I wanted nothing more than to lay back down with him, press my body against his giant, muscular frame and bury my face into his neck. But I did not. I could not. And so I left without a word in a rush of invisible wings and feathers.

And so began the longest year of my life. The year without Sam.

When Sam woke, he did not know where he was or how he got there. The last thing he remembered was being in Hell.

So it was not hard to figure out why I had not answered to any more of Sam's prayers. Even now, I sometimes found it hard to look at him. Once Dean was back things were different, but I now dreaded helping the Winchesters more than ever.

I loved Sam desperately, hopelessly; even after all we'd been through. _Especially_ after all we'd been through. I loved him more than Dean, more than my own self. But it was all wrong. I couldn't have Sam. Even if I did have him that one time, it could never happen again.

And so I sat there and stared at the tall, gentle hunter sometimes and agonized over those ghost memories. But at the end of the day I would always be left with nothing but a painful reminder that I had to forget.


End file.
